I start out on a trajectory- life. I come from a point and I am moving towards another point. There are points I want to reach, paths I want to follow, many of which do not fall upon my apparent future pathway. I want to change my trajectory, change my direction so that I can hit some of these points, but I can’t seem to. I examine where I came from, the origins of both my pathway and of the desires that push me towards the things I’m not getting to, the limitations which make changing all of it difficult, basically I examine myself and my world in search of a way to get what I want, or to want what I have- it doesn’t matter, changing your situation is effectively the same as changing your desires, so if either can be accomplished it shouldn’t be looked upon askance.
But I can’t change things. I don’t have the will to seek out a better job, to ask out a pretty girl, to find what I want in the world and make it mine- I don’t have the means or don’t know I have the means or am unwilling to use the means- again, all these things are effectively the same, because they all deny me, so unless one of them becomes solvable, which one in particular that afflicts me doesn’t matter.
Denied solutions to my own problems, I spend a great deal of time examining other problems. Fantasy problems, the problems of those far away, the problems of nations and corporations, the problems of history, the problems of great men, and all of these yield solutions, which yields satisfaction, but it is fleeting and always drags me back to my own situation. I Know that these far away problems of other people are no less difficult than my own, the intractability in solving them must seem just as solid to those I scorn for their failures as my own problems are to me. Only in the fantasies are the problems really solvable.
What does it all say about me? Do I need to buckle down and find some new approach, work harder at an old approach, actually put into effect some approach long feared or scorned, why is it that I can’t simply push through, after all these years, all these endless hours of examination, surely my not-insignificant intellect cannot be so permanently stymied by a problem that is solved every day by people I consider MORONS, OF COURSE I’m over-thinking it, but how can you STOP thinking, how can you take away all of that great burden of analysis, how can you find the SOLUTION when you know what it is but you simply can’t MAKE yourself apply it, how is this fair, it isn’t, of course, the world isn’t FAIR only the truly IDIOTIC believe the world is FAIR, it’s unfair and you’re happy about that the nintypercent of the time when that works in your favour, I say this to myself with scorn, but scorning myself doesn’t help, it’s not helpful, it doesn’t lead to a solution, it’s just where my path takes me, round and round I go, like a little kid scribbling on a page in circles, hoping something coherent will come out of all that churning but of course it won’t, it’s not rational, not sane, not planned out, you have to plan it out but if you try then you just end up never doing anything.
Where do I go from here, what is the POINT
Maybe there isn’t a point, well, I know there isn’t a point, except if I decide to put one on, but I can just not, because I don’t WANT to, I don’t CARE, but that is a point, if not THE point, that I do CARE, caring is the force behind that trajectory I started talking about before, I tell myself I’m happy with my world but I guess I’m really not, I want MORE and I think I should have it, I know I should have it, everyone around me thinks I’m some sort of cripple and maybe so do I because I can’t take those OBVIOUS steps and just ASK for what I want, who CARES if you are rejected you FUCKING MORON, the rejection just means you’re trying, two people are almost certain to be incompatable but if you just keep trying it’ll work out evertually, so why do you just give up before you even ask, that is the PROBLEM, the whole fucking problem in that one inability, you’re just not trying ENOUGH, sure every year or two you get up the courage but that’s just totally inadequate, at this rate you’re going to be the much-ridiculed thirty-year-old virgin, HOW, HOW did it come to this, HOW can I imagine I’ll change NOW, HOW can I imagine I’ll EVER change.
Because I have to because it’s always possible, but this depressing rehash isn’t any USE, but I can’t turn off my fucking BRAIN it just sits there in my head making me crazy, making me constantly agonize and it isn’t helpful but what am I supposed to do, kill it with beer, stun it with videogames, exhaust it with work, distract it with TV, ignore it in sleep, how do I become that cunning beast, capable of seeing the future enough to make a rational strategy but not so foresighted to worry about negative consequences.
I am overburdened with thought, a thing like water that you need to survive but will drown in if it gets too much.